


Tearing me apart

by Laramie



Series: Things you said [5]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-18 07:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4697222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laramie/pseuds/Laramie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<i>You're being too obvious</i>, Jimmy thought nervously as Thomas and Isaac's glasses toasted in front of him. <i>What if people <b>know</b>?</i> He could not bear to see either one of them, and fixed his gaze miserably on the table."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by jembu23 from a prompt post and egged on to something much longer than I thought it would be by todowntononanimpala.
> 
> Warning for alcohol content.

**October 1923**

Thomas was going out that night. This Jimmy knew.

Thomas was going to be with Isaac that night. This Jimmy also knew.

What he did not know was where Thomas was going.

All of these things were unrelated to the fact that Jimmy was going to the pub, or so he told himself. He had already been feeling antsy (because he had not gone out for a while, that was all), and then Molesley had somehow talked himself into coming along. But then, if Molesley was making conversation all evening, maybe Jimmy could block out the image of Thomas and Isaac in a shed.

The thought of it had haunted Jimmy ever since Thomas had come home with an inch-long cut on his arm a few weeks ago, inflicted by a protruding nail in the shed. The idea that Thomas had been doing _who knew what_ in there with his… boyfriend? - while Jimmy was buying him sherbet lemons, well. Jimmy could not make the two things make sense.

Jimmy had eaten the sherbets himself. Thomas never mentioned them. It often seemed to be like this for Jimmy now; he would do something for Thomas, like save the rocking chair in the servants' hall for him, or straighten his tie, and then be beset by panic and shame and try to hide that he had done anything. He did not like Thomas like _that_ , like a lover… so why did he keep acting as though he did?

He had come to the shaky conclusion that it was because he was missing female company and transferring his behaviour onto the person who was closest to him. So. To counter that, he was going to the pub in the hopes of forgetting all about Thomas and finding someone new to have fun with.

He was not in a good mood as he and Molesley walked into the village. It would surely not be easy to charm a girl with Molesley's doleful features across the table. But then, maybe Jimmy would seem better in comparison. More handsome. More charming. Wittier.

Upon reaching the pub, they bought their drinks. Jimmy weaved between the tables full of people, concentrating on not spilling his pint. Molesley was saying something about the Prime Minister. Jimmy was trying to ignore him.

Once they were seated, Jimmy took a moment to survey the pub. It was quite busy already. The air was full of pipe smoke and laughter and the friendly chatter of farmers and other drinkers. He eyed up the likely prospects while "mm"-ing and "yeah"-ing in response to Molesley's comments.

Then Jimmy spotted Thomas sitting at one of the tables and his lungs froze for a couple of seconds. Thomas was _here_. And that meant Isaac must be here too. Was that safe? Wouldn't people see them? Two men alone together - wouldn't people _know_?

Would people think Jimmy and _Molesley_ were like that? Jimmy stared at Molesley in some alarm before deciding that no, Molesley looked sufficiently older than Jimmy for there to appear nothing untoward. Unless people thought something _really_ funny was going on.

"I think I see Mr Barrow over there, Mr Molesley," Jimmy announced, unheeding of whether Molesley had been talking at the time. "Why don't we go and join him?" He stood up as he spoke so that there was really no option but for Molesley to follow, unless he wanted to sit there on his own. Swiping his beer from the table, Jimmy went over to Thomas and Isaac, with Molesley trailing behind him.

"He might not want us to interrupt, Jimmy -" Molesley protested nervously.

Jimmy plonked his beer down on Thomas's table as he parked himself between Thomas and Isaac. "Evenin', Mr Barrow," he greeted, his voice deeper than he had intended.

Opposite Jimmy, Molesley sat down, looking twitchy.

Jimmy only saw Molesley out of the corner of his eye, as his eyes were fixed on Thomas's surprised expression. He offered a wide grin in reassurance.

Thomas frowned slightly and shook his head minutely in question.

Jimmy just lifted his eyebrows.

Sighing, Thomas turned to Molesley. "Mr Molesley, this is a friend of mine, Mr Drake. Isaac, this is Molesley, he works up at the house."

"Pleased to meet you, Mr Drake," Molesley said politely, shaking Isaac's hand. "I didn't know Mr Barrow had any friends. I-In the village, I mean."

Jimmy glared at him, affronted, but when Jimmy glanced over, Thomas just rolled his eyes.

Isaac looked bemused. "Pleased to meet you too, Mr Molesley," he said. Isaac had dark brown eyes. Jimmy had once joked to Thomas that they were mud-coloured, but Thomas said that he liked them.

"You haven't introduced Jimmy," Molesley pointed out, addressing Thomas.

"We've already met," Jimmy said darkly, scratching the edge of the table with a fingernail and wondering why on earth he had thought this was a good idea.

Thomas gave Jimmy a confused look before he spoke. "Mr Drake and I were just saying that they ought to have more choice of beers here."

 _I_ _ **bet**_ _you were_ , Jimmy thought, though he had no idea whether it was true. Maybe it was.

"I don't know about that," Molesley replied. "The two we've got are perfectly fine and I always say that if you know what you like, why have something else?" He looked between the three of them and seemed disconcerted to see Jimmy's renewed glower.

"You're right, of course," Isaac said. "But how are you to know that you won't like another beer better, if you never try?"

"What if you're perfectly happy with what you've _got_?" Jimmy snapped. "And another kind of beer would just come in and _ruin_ everything."

"It's hardly compulsory," Isaac pointed out. "No one's saying to get rid of the drinks that are already here."

"What if you like the new one better?" Jimmy murmured.

"Then it's all been a complete success," Thomas said lightly.

"And Thomas and I will start a rival pub and steal away all the customers," Isaac added flippantly, raising his pint for Thomas to clink his own against. They shared a smile right in front of Molesley.

 _You're being too obvious_ , Jimmy thought nervously as the two glasses toasted in front of him. _What if people_ _ **know**_ _?_ He could not bear to see either one of them, and fixed his gaze miserably on the table.

"How do you two know each other?" Molesley questioned.

Jimmy had never asked; he looked up now to see Thomas and Isaac exchanging a glance.

"We just talk in the pub," Thomas said firmly.

"We only met a few months ago," added Isaac.

"Oh, you seemed quite close," Molesley replied.

Jimmy closed his eyes, squeezing his hands into fists under the table.

"We've got to know each other pretty well," Isaac said.

Jimmy did not want them to be close. He wanted them to mean nothing to each other. But why? Jimmy was content in his friendship with Thomas.

"You all right, Jimmy?" asked Molesley.

Jimmy opened his eyes. "Yes." Thomas was observing him with a concerned expression. "I'm just a bit hot; I'm going to get some fresh air," he added, pushing away from the table and winding unsteadily between the crush of bodies and the smoke that suddenly seemed suffocating.

He went out through the front door and sank down against the wall with his knees drawn up, fighting tears of frustration. It was exhausting to be constantly reassuring himself of the innocence of his feelings, when they were beginning to feel anything but normal.

He hugged his bent legs and entertained a vague fantasy of hugging Thomas, not because Thomas had received bad news and needed comfort, as had been the case the only time Jimmy had embraced him before, but because they wanted to. It was rare for him to touch Thomas of his own volition at all, never mind initiate something as intense as a hug.

He knew it was wrong to dwell on the memory of Thomas's hand cradled in his a few weeks before, when Thomas had come home from Isaac with an injury that Jimmy had _had_ to examine, and yet it was never far from his thoughts. Thomas's hand had been cold, just a little, and Jimmy could remember the delicate tracing of veins in his wrists.

He spent a few minutes collecting himself then re-entered the warmth of the pub, which was very welcoming after the chill of the October evening. As he crossed the room, he saw Thomas and Isaac leaning towards each other and having a fierce whispered discussion.

Silence fell as Jimmy retook his seat. Isaac gave Jimmy an awkward half-smile while Thomas focused on taking a sip of his drink.

"Where's Molesley?" Jimmy asked, just for something to say.

"He's gone to the toilet," Isaac explained.

Jimmy pulled a face at him.

Molesley soon returned and Jimmy had to sit through Thomas and Isaac's silent conversations across the table and the anything-but-silent conversations between all three of them and could hardly bring himself to say a word. He kept glancing around the pub, reflecting that he had come with the intention of finding a woman… yet he could not, when Thomas was sitting beside him and smiling repeatedly at someone else during the hour that they were there.

Eventually, Jimmy could handle it no longer. "I don't feel very well," he said listlessly. "I want to go home." He said it mostly to see whether Thomas would offer to go with him, but stood as he spoke so that it did not look too much as though he was waiting for someone to accompany him.

"What's the matter?" Thomas asked, his chair scraping on the floor as he stood.

"Not food poisoning, I hope!" said Molesley, while Thomas came round the corner of the small table and pressed the back of his hand to Jimmy's forehead, looking closely into his face. Thomas's grey eyes were full of concern. Jimmy wanted to close his own eyes and lean into the touch. He didn't.

"That won't tell you much," Isaac said to Thomas as Thomas removed his hand. "It's so warm in here, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a fever and not."

"That's true enough," Thomas agreed, still examining Jimmy's face for signs of his invented illness.

"We'll go back with you," Molesley said; the other two nodded in agreement and made to leave with Jimmy - even Isaac followed them. Jimmy felt like pushing him and Molesley back into the pub and locking the door so that he could walk home with Thomas - alone.

Instead, he walked between Molesley and Thomas as they passed through the village. Isaac was on the other side of Molesley. _You're not fooling me_ , Jimmy thought, a bit cruelly. _I know what you want from him._

"You don't have to come," he told Isaac bluntly. "You don't live at the Abbey."

Isaac exchanged a look with Thomas that Jimmy could not read before smiling blandly at Jimmy. "I don't mind. I like the walk."

"'Course you do," Jimmy muttered, watching with a bitterness that took him by surprise as Isaac's gaze drifted onto Thomas.

 _He loved me first_ , Jimmy told him silently. Four sets of footsteps rang out, disappearing into the hedges lining the road. Jimmy glanced at the sky and the stars, but it made him feel small, so he looked at his shoes against the road instead. He felt terribly disconnected from the other three, who chatted reasonably amiably (Thomas must have been in a good mood, to give Molesley the time of day) and chuckled together, while Jimmy walked along in silence, cut off from Thomas's smiles. _He loved me first. Whatever he feels now, he loved me first._

They reached the edge of the grounds. Isaac slowed to a stop, bringing the others to a halt too.

"I'll take my leave of you all," Isaac said. "I hope you feel better, Jimmy."

Jimmy grunted something that might have been "yeah" in response. He was not really sure himself what word he was aiming for.

Isaac smiled at Thomas and waved at Molesley before walking off. Jimmy glanced back once but Isaac had already been swallowed by the night.

The three servants went on into the house, where Molesley broke away to talk to Baxter, leaving Thomas and Jimmy to climb the stairs together. The sound of their breathing enclosed them on the shadowed stairwell. A couple of steps below Thomas, Jimmy watched his best friend's dark figure ascending. There was a tight, sick feeling in the base of Jimmy's stomach.

"How are things with Isaac?" he asked hollowly.

"Jimmy -" Thomas began.

"There's no one here," Jimmy pointed out. "And it's hardly an explicit question."

Thomas sighed. "Things are fine."

"Good," Jimmy said, and tried to mean it, though the word burnt his tongue into ashes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaac was backing away, but Thomas stepped forward and caught his wrist. "Wait," Thomas said. "I haven't had my kiss."
> 
> Isaac boggled at him, glancing pointedly at Jimmy, who was staring at them in horror, before making an attempt to pass Thomas's comment off as a joke: "Very funny. Goodbye, then."

It was another couple of days until Jimmy saw Isaac again. Jimmy and Thomas often went outside for a leisurely cigarette before breakfast; when Jimmy went out and round the corner on that morning, he saw that Thomas was joined by the dark-haired Isaac. Jimmy's mood soured instantly, but he fought not to let it show as he stood possessively closely to Thomas.

Not possessively. He was just… being friendly. It was a cold day. It was normal for him to stand so close.

Thomas stepped minutely away.

"Mornin', Thomas," Jimmy said heavily, not bothering to acknowledge Isaac.

"Morning, Jimmy," both men replied, Isaac with a bite of nervousness - or impatience, maybe. Jimmy could not tell.

"You're out early." Jimmy addressed this to Thomas.

"Making the most of the light mornings," Thomas explained. "It won't be long before it's still dark when we get out here."

"Like last year," Jimmy recalled, holding Thomas's gaze. "You started bringing a candle, like you're afraid of the dark. Scaredy-cat."

"I'm not _afraid_ ," Thomas retorted. "I just like to see where my feet are going."

A fond smile commandeered Jimmy's lips.

"I'm… going to go," Isaac put in. "I'll see you tomorrow, Thomas."

 _You don't get to say his name_ , Jimmy thought at Isaac. The thought rose in him unbidden, and would not be tamped down no matter how irrational he told himself it was.

Isaac was backing away, but Thomas stepped forward and caught his wrist. "Wait," Thomas said. "I haven't had my kiss."

Isaac boggled at him, glancing pointedly at Jimmy, who was staring at them in horror, before making an attempt to pass Thomas's comment off as a joke: "Very funny. Goodbye, then."

"Isaac," Thomas said quietly. "It's Jimmy. He knows about me; he's fine. I'd trust him with anything."

Jimmy's heart swelled at this last, only to deflate and plummet into his shoes as Isaac let himself be pulled against Thomas. Jimmy was transfixed and appalled as their mouths touched, Thomas's red lips against Isaac's pink ones. His hands squeezed into fists - he could not bear to watch, could not look away - their mouths moving against each other -

 _I want that_ , Jimmy thought with sudden clarity. His heart pounded in fear of it as the two men broke away. Isaac looked at Jimmy, then at Thomas, then threw Jimmy a pointed glance with his eyebrows raised as if to induce Thomas to look at him.

"No," Thomas murmured, his voice firm nonetheless. Jimmy was not sure that he was meant to have heard.

Isaac gave a deep sigh and glanced at Jimmy again, anxiously. Jimmy opted not to reassure him. "See you, then," Isaac said to Thomas. "Goodbye, Jimmy."

"Bye," Jimmy responded. _And good riddance._

Thomas drifted closer to Jimmy as they both watched Isaac walking away until he disappeared behind the wall. Jimmy was very aware of the warmth of him, though he did not manage to look round.

"Why don't you like him?" Thomas asked.

"Who says I don't?" Jimmy retorted defensively.

"Your face does, every time he's within 500 yards of you," Thomas replied with a streak of amusement in his tone.

"What does it matter?" Jimmy deflected, looking up only so that he could see the same affection in Thomas's eyes that he could read in his voice.

"I value your opinion." It might have sounded sarcastic, but Thomas seemed only sincere. His gaze was steady and serious.

"I don't… _dis_ like him," Jimmy managed. "Just don't see why I should have to look at…" He waved vaguely in front, where Thomas and Isaac had stood kissing moments before.

"Oh…" Thomas said quietly. He sounded… disappointed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed that you'd be all right with… Of course, you want to ignore…" Now he sounded more than disappointed - there was _betrayal_ in his face, and in retrospect Jimmy would suspect it was this that had made him stutter:

"N-Not _that_ , it's just that I - I can't bear to watch you with someone else. It's tearing me apart." Jimmy became aware that he was clutching Thomas's left hand tightly in both of his own, without any memory of reaching out for it.

Thomas's lips were parted in an expression of incomprehension. They looked so soft and appealing that Jimmy at last leaned in, using his grip on Thomas's hand to pull the man the couple of inches down to him, and kissed him firmly, replacing Isaac's taste in Thomas's mouth with his own. For a brief moment it was everything Jimmy had ever wanted a kiss to be, but surprising too; his heart leapt and his chest fell as he let go of a tension he had been carrying for months.

The kiss dissolved into laughter on Thomas's part.

" _What_?" Jimmy demanded, his face heating up. When Thomas continued to chuckle, he repeated: " _What_?!"

Thomas shook his head, a fond smile on his lips. "Isaac's been telling me for weeks that you were jealous. I never believed him." He was looking at Jimmy in wonder.

"Maybe I am," Jimmy grumbled. "Maybe I don't want that mud pie taking you away from me." He pressed forwards for another kiss, but Thomas held him back by the shoulders.

"No…" he said faintly. "It's not fair to Isaac."

For a terrified moment, Jimmy thought that he was being refused, but then Thomas continued: "Let me end things with him first."

Jimmy's emotions welled up, drowning him in tenderness. "Just like that?" he said hoarsely.

"Well… if you're sure," Thomas responded, looking suddenly uncertain. "I wouldn't want to…" He trailed off, looking lost for words.

Jimmy himself was struggling for what to say. He was overcome, made unsteady by the shock of what he had said and the relief that Thomas still wanted him - he had begun to think that Thomas had lost interest, especially after Isaac had entered the scene. "Please do," he whispered at last, and Thomas nodded, and smiled.

Jimmy pushed down the little voice that told him this was wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was: "I can't watch you with someone else. It's tearing me apart."


End file.
